welcome to 24 hours onlinewhere we ask an extremely internetty person to document a day in their life by looking at screens.
The first time Caleb Hearon went mega-viral on Twitter was towards the end of 2019, when he made a now legendary POV video in which he pretended to agree with a friend telling him about a situation in which they were clearly wrong. He’s been having fun on the platform since 2010, when “Ashton Kutcher goes on the Ellen show and talk about his ‘tweeps’,” as he describes it.
At that time, Hearon was a high school student in rural Missouri working for what he calls a teenage “family values” organization. (“I had so much fun tweeting things like ‘we need gun control now!’ asked to follow them at parties.
Now 27, he lives in Los Angeles and works as a comedian and writer for television, but regularly goes viral on the platform. During his 24 hours online, Hearon ignores e-mails from Nancy Pelosi and JC Penney, mutes all of his group chats, and plans to buy a mixed-use building in Seattle during an all-night frenzy of Zillow. Here it is, in his own words.
I wake up and immediately delete about 20 emails from brands that want me to buy stuff. They literally all come from the fat guy fashion places that got me hooked because there’s no good fat man fashion: JC Penney, DXL, KingSize and Carhartt’s uncool shit. The emails are like, “Get your husky men’s clothes to clean the gutter in your Saturday dad jeans!” and I’m like, “Dog, get me out of here.” And then of course it’s Nancy Pelosi saying, “I didn’t mean to send that email, Caleb. President Jimmy Carter needs you for the North Carolina Senate,” and I’m like, “I thought that bitch was dead!
I usually check Instagram first in the morning because more often than not I have some deranged content from Close Friends to catch up on. I look for the little green VIP circles first, then if I’m bored or have time to kill I’ll look at general admission stories. My favorite Close Friends stories are when it’s a B-list celebrity who thinks, “I had a great morning.” I walked to the park and saw a dog that I thought was cute. I love you guys, have a great time!”
One of the first things I stop to read is from the @Swipes4Daddy account, one of my favorites. She slips up on much older men and then they flirt with her and it’s never gross or crazy. It’s the straight culture of hot girls, which eludes me.
I have an appointment at 10 p.m., so I log into the Starbucks app and order a venti iced caramel latte with blond espresso. I’m not one of the advanced cool girls who likes a cold black brew from a local cafe; I really like Starbucks. I hate to give them weight, but when I was broke in Chicago and needed a place to write for hours, Starbucks was perfect because you didn’t feel bad about taking over a table .
Last night I tweeted something that accidentally became a viral prompt where gay men quote which woman they would most like to die with. Doing a quick tweet is one of the most embarrassing things you can do in your life. I read the answers to see how many people said Julia Roberts (my choice). You wouldn’t believe the actresses who have stans, women who have starred in two movies in the past 25 years.
When gay boys turn 13, the universe assigns them a woman working in entertainment. from then on, their purpose on earth becomes to support this woman so strongly that the force of their love for her could literally kill them.
— Caleb Heuron (@calebsaysthings) April 7, 2022
The guy dividing the logs on TikTok is getting attention again because it’s driving people wild I guess? I do not understand. Ever since he grew up, he’s had this look where he’ll chop wood and give a chuckle and a smirk or lick his lips. I’m like, bitch, this is disgusting now.
Then I see this weird little video of Doctor Oz, who of course is running for the Senate and needs to be arrested; he’s in a grocery store saying, “You can’t even shop anymore because of Joe Biden!” Every time rich people dress up as “everyday Americans” it cracks me up. I love watching the rich imagine the struggles of the poor.
I answer some texts. I muted all my group chats a few weeks ago and now I’m the most at peace anyone has ever been. I get irrationally angry when I do something, then I get three text messages in a row.
I go to TikTok to post a Story, which they have now. As someone who constantly has to promote my live shows, stories and fleets (RIPs) are the best way to do it. This helps those of us who don’t do sponsored content; I’m more interested in selling tickets, writing scripts and appearing on TV shows. But there’s a lot more money on the sponsor side.
I’m hosting a TV show this week, so I tune into a Zoom meeting with my co-creator, our showrunner, two producers, and a few executives from a streaming network. It is a live, queer television show based in Kansas City. (I think I can say everything?)
3 p.m. to 8 p.m.
I have a long break in the middle of the day so I’m driving with a friend in my Jeep to get some sushi. We listen to “All I Ever Wanted” by Mase radio on Spotify. I also rediscover Chingy’s “Right Thurr”. It’s great, real open window music on a beautiful day.
Emails are the bane of my existence. I can’t believe we’re still doing this. Right before I go to bed, I end up doing 20 because I put them away all day. When you’re an actor, you have a million odd jobs, and for every odd job, you have seven fucking pages of paperwork. It makes me want to scream.
I’m a bedtime phone person, but my big bedtime media rule is that I don’t watch TV in bed. I’m not a big TikTok person either; I’m not going down the five hour TikTok holes like a lot of people do. Instead, I’ll look for a property that I’m not buying. I’ll be like “homes in Kansas City under $500,000 with that many bedrooms.” Or I’ll look for mixed-use buildings. Maybe I want to open a cafe in Seattle! It’s nice to dream. And if tomorrow I had to rip the floor of an old building that I just bought? What if I did something other than what I have to do?
I talk a lot about how the internet makes mediocre people feel good and great people feel mediocre. It causes soul-searching for people who probably don’t need more soul-searching, and it causes delusions of grandeur for people who don’t need to feel better about themselves. It’s a very weird place to put value in, and having a big audience only makes it weirder.
You have a mix of people telling you you’re a genius because you made a 20 second video in your car – which is never a genius, by the way. And then you’ll have people telling you that you’re the ugliest person who ever lived and that you should die. And it’s like, well, one day I will. The internet is a very strange place and I’ll probably be on it forever.
Total screen time
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